Life After the Closet
Payam Ghassemlou, Ph.D.
Growing up with Iranian family traditions made my coming out more complicated since the family is the most significant element of Iranian life. For those of us who immigrated to the U.S., family becomes even more important source of survival living in a foreign land. The conflict between my desire for coming out and my sense of duty toward my family grew stronger when I turned twenty years old. Since my sense of independence was dominated by my family traditions and relationships, coming out was not only about accepting being gay, but also redeeming my sense of individuality. Coming out to my family at age twenty-three was followed by a period of rejection and isolation, which ultimately made me stronger. Since I was a child, my family relationships and my heterosexual friends were my only source of support and coming out was a terrifying act of losing this support. Ultimately, coming out was a step toward creating an identity outside my family, which has helped me to become more individuated.
Life after the closet is more exciting now because of all the choices that
are available to me. When I was in the closet, I was so blinded by my internalized
homophobia and my need for family approval that I did not have any understanding
of my purpose in life. My family, like most Iranian families, centered on
worrying about people’s judgment. I learned from my family that my purpose
of life was to earn people’s respect by becoming educated and successful.
Provoking envy in people meant I was on the right track. I feel a sense of
grief for spending many years living in the prison of my Iranian family values,
which denied my gay essence. I have come along way since then, and, now, I
stop and ponder what is the true meaning of my gay life. When I speak of my gayness or gay life, I am not solely referring to my
sexuality. My gay essence has many dimensions, and sexuality is only one of
them. I don’t define people by their extroverted sexual behaviors. For
example, I don’t consider a celibate gay man no longer gay because he
has stopped having sex. Being gay is an evolving process which has to do more
with self-realization, and sex can be part of this self-realization. Coming
out which is essential part of self-realization starts with a response to
a call from within which is unique to gay individuals. For me, this calling
initially manifested as certain feelings of longing that I would experience
in the presence of handsome men. The calling reminds me of one of Jalal-ud-Din
Rumi’s (1207-1273 A.D.) poems which translated by Coleman Barks,
“You have been a prisoner of a little pond. In this poem being prisoner of a little pond can be metaphor of being stuck
in the closet, and there is an intense calling to dive into the ocean. The
ocean is a metaphor for the unconscious in which homoerotic feelings reside
and need to be conscious. Understanding these homoerotic feelings as longing
for a union with the Beloved has helped me to honor them as part of my journey
of self-realization. By diving into the ocean of my unconscious, I have been
struggling to redeem the pearl of my gay essence.
Psychological injuries that were inflicted on me as result of growing up
gay in a homophobic world needed to be addressed after my coming out. I was
made to feel ashamed by heterosexist society for being different. As a kid,
each time I heard the word fag it left a scar on my soul. This homophobic
mistreatment lead me to develop feelings of inferiority. The seed of internalized
homophobia was planted inside me each time I was being picked on for being
different. My life after the closet included coming out inside and becoming
aware of my hurt and rage around this homophobic mistreatment. Coming out
inside is about approaching my unconscious and understanding my complexes.
Approaching my unconscious has been the most important part of the journey
of my self-realization, and having guides in this process is essential. As
Rumi portrays this, “O seeker without the shadow of a pir (teacher) the
clamor of the beast will torment you.” Also, Hafiz emphasis the need
for a guide in the following poem,
“Do not take a step I have turned to individuals, including psychotherapists, for guidance who
have been involved on their own path of self-realization. They have provided
me with positive self affirming experiences and psychological tools. For example,
dream work, active imagination, writing personal essays, and having empathy
for my repressed feelings from childhood by personifying them as my gay inner
children have been important psychological tools that I have been given.
When I wake up in the morning before I start my day, I write down what I
dreamt about during the night. Later, I can come back to it and find out what
my unconscious was trying to tell me. Dream work has been an important tool
in my struggle to come out inside and gain consciousness about my internalized
homophobia. One of the Sufi poets who has inspired me to pay attention to
my dreams is Rumi. In one of his poems on dream, Rumi states, “Many wonders are manifest in sleep: Many of my dreams, which have shed light on my feelings of hopelessness around
same sex love usually involves me experiencing rejection by a beautiful man.
In my dream, sometimes he appears as a blonde and sometimes as a brunet with
a half naked body and beautiful chest looking away from me. I try to look
into his eyes with an intense longing for his kiss, but he usually ignores
me. He leaves me painfully devastated, and I wake up with a sorrow in my heart.
Analyzing such dreams in the context of my early childhood dynamics has helped
me to understand how my inner homophobia can lead to feelings of hopelessness
around same sex love. Once an inner negative force is exposed and becomes
conscious to me, it tends to lose its power over me. Having an empathic understanding
toward it has been a healing experience.
A real life example of my dreams of rejection by beautiful men, which is
my projection of the soul figure, happened during a period of my life when
I had desire to go up and talk to attractive single gay men. I found myself
feeling already rejected and hopeless before I even gave myself a chance to
talk to them. I am not alone with this dynamic of feeling already rejected
in the presence of my soul figure. I see it everytime I go to a gay bar. Gay
men staring in space and not approaching one another stems from being caught
in this hopeless place. Drinking alcohol becomes an escape from the pain of
this hopeless situation and explains partly why substance abuse is such a
common problem in the gay community.
Working with the power of active imagination has been a transformative experience
for me. This technique has helped me to use the power of my imagination to
consciously explore my inner world. Hence, I can have dialogue with the different
parts of myself that live in my unconscious and learn more about myself. I
can even use active imagination to re-enter my dream when I am awake and dialogue
with my dream figures.
In one of my experiences using active imagination, I saw my internalized
homophobia in the form of a dark castle that contains my gay essence which I struggle to liberate. In my imagination, I see myself struggling to find an entry to the castle. It seems impossible to find an entry to the castle in order to redeem my gay essence. A feeling of hopelessness began to take over, and I find myself in despair. To work with these feelings, I began to recite the following poem from Rumi,
“The way of love is not
They fall, and falling, Then, I find a secret doorway to the castle. Once inside the castle, I need a magic power to transform the castle of internalized homophobia to a beautiful garden where I can be drunk on the wine of the beloved. The magic lies in making emotional discoveries about my suffering of growing up gay. The expression of my repressed feelings, which includes my rage in relation to the castle of homophobia had a transformable effect. I was no longer inside the castle fighting. Instead, I was tasting sweet lips of the beloved in a garden called Bagh-e Shiraz.
Writing and publishing personal essays has helped me to challenge my inner
toxic shame. Each time I want to publish a personal story with my full name
on it, I have to deal with the voice of shame that tries to silence me. The
voice of shame usually attacks me by asking, “What people (mardom) are
going to think?” The only way I know how to stand up to this voice is
to share my writings with others. As Rumi said, “ Live where you fear
the most.” Shame and fear lose their power over me each time I come out
of hiding and let my experiences be heard. I am hoping my writings can inspire
other gays and lesbians, especially those from Middle East, to view gayness
as a gift and not something to be ashamed of. It makes me sad to know about
the rate of depression and suicide among gay people due to lack of self-acceptance.
The concept of the inner child has been a valuable healing tool to help me
personify my repressed childhood feelings and consciously experience them.
The inner child refers to the child I once was and which continues to live
in my adult body. When I am not conscious of this inner child, I tend to merge
with him and reenact his experiences. The way I was treated as a gay child
is the way I could treat myself and/or others unless I work on not reenacting
my homophobic childhood experiences. Reawakening childhood feelings and experiencing
their injustice can give birth to new feelings that are not associated with
these experiences. These new feelings have helped me to feel more liberated
in my own skin.
My attempt to be self realized as the core of my gay life has gotten me closer
to my Persian roots and my gay ancestors. I am so grateful that I am improving
my Farsi so I can go to the direct source instead of reading a heterosexist
translation of Persian poems. When I need validation of gay love, I read love
poems by Sadi, Hafiz, Rumi, and other Persian poets. They have written hundreds
of love poems on same sex desire, which indicates a great deal of Persian
literature is based on homosexuality. When I need to feel encouraged around
my struggle to break away from the heterosexual collective, I read life stories
of great Sufis. Unfortunately, most English translations of classical Persian
literature are misleading and do not speak the truth. For example, most poetry
by Hafiz has been translated in a way that makes the reader thinks he is writing
a love poem for the opposite sex. In reality, Hafiz always honored same sex
love in his poetry. Public display of homoerotic love has never been easy,
and Rumi portray this in the following poem,
“I saw you last night in the gathering, Life after the closet and my ongoing struggle to individuate from my family has helped me to renew my relationship with God and spirituality. Growing up, other people imposed their understanding of Islam on to me. As a child, I was very impressionable and was made to believe that God is somewhere faraway putting people in hell or heaven. Having same sex desire meant my place would be deep in hell. I already experienced hell when I was in the closet and murdering my homoerotic feelings. Today, my understanding of God and spirituality does not involve following organized religions. A great Sufi, Jami, once said, “Why listen to second hand reports when you can hear the Beloved speak himself?” In the name of Islam, many atrocities have been done to gay and lesbian people. Religion has often been misused to oppress gay and lesbian people. The founders of Islam and Christianity never advocated hatred toward same sex lovers. No homosexuals ever were punished while these prophets were alive. In fact, Islam has made it okay for men to have sex with their male servants when away from their wives while traveling.
I have learned from Sufism that spiritual life is a love affair.
God is my Beloved, and he reveals himself to me in the beautiful faces of other
men. Gazing into a man’s beautiful face and loving him can be a practice
for loving Allah. At first, the love for the Beloved (Allah) get projected on
beautiful men and through an erotic love affair with them one can experience
divine ecstasy. As Rumi expressed, “Thirst drove me down to the water where
I drank the moon’s reflection.”
Eventually, one needs to learn to stop projecting the Beloved outside of
himself and work on uniting with the inner Beloved. As Rumi puts it,
“The minute I heard my first love story. Rabia a female Sufi (some Muslim orthodox figures typically frown upon her
unmarried life and her withdrawal from society as a path to God) expressed
her love affair with the Beloved in the following poem,
“O God, the stars are shining Sufis were not the only mystics who experienced God as the Beloved. For
example, ecstatic union with the divine was experienced by the Spanish saint,
Teresa of Avila (1515-1582 A.D.) who was a Christian Mystic. She was so in
love with God that in her last breath, Teresa uttered these words; “
Beloved, it’s time to move on. Well, then, may your will be done. Oh,
my Lord and my Spouse, the hour that I have longed for has come. It’s
time for us to meet one another.” ( Translation by Mirabai Starr) Reading
about her journey to God has enhanced my understanding of the spiritual love
affair.
As my life outside the closet unfolds, I am beginning to hear my Beloved
calling. From the beautiful faces of gay men and their sweet kisses on my lips to
the cry of my sorrow, all contain traces of His voice. I saw His eternal beauty
(jamal) in the face of my lovers. “ Wheresoever you turn, there is His
Face” (Sura 2:115). His kingdom is everywhere. Sometimes I feel him in
my solitude and sometimes in a crowded gay bar. He is revealing himself in
every moment. For many years, my homophobic upbringing convinced me that He
does not love me. He does love all His creations including gays and lesbians.
God said, “ I am a hidden treasure. I wanted to be known, so I created
the Universe in order to be known.” Our gay heart can be a place where
he can see his own reflection. But we must polish our heart in order for the
Beloved to see himself. I polish my heart through self-realization and remembrance
of the Beloved.
I am the ocean with turbulent flood.
Come merge with me...”
Awakening to my own homophobia
on the path of love without a guide.
I have tried it
one hundred times and failed.”
Dream Work
in sleep the heart becomes a window.
One that is awake and dreams beautiful dreams,
he is the knower of God. Receive the dust of his eyes.”
Active Imagination
a subtle argument.
The door there
is devastation.
Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
they’re given wings.”
Writing Essays
Gay Inner Child
My Gay Root
but could not take you openly in my arms,
so I put my lips next to your cheek,
pretending to talk privately.” Spirituality
I started looking for you,
Not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They are in each other all along.”
All eyes have closed in sleep;
The kings have locked their doors.
Each lover is alone, in secret, with the one he loves.
And I am here too: alone, hidden from all of them-
With You.”